Friday, January 25, 2013


How come I've never heard of this dude? And why isn't this a movie? Caratacus was a dangerous British chieftain during the Roman occupation of Britain whose reign lasted approximately 43-50 A.D.  Most Britons had to succumb to Roman occupancy, but not this guy. He refused to be driven off his land. 

Caratacus' tribe was the Catuvellauni, who resided on the border of Wales, whose reputation was known as far away as Italy. They were ferocious, and ballsy enough to defy Rome. 

Caratacus used guerrilla warfare against his enemies, as he moved his men from territory to territory for almost ten years, avoiding the Romans. By demonstrating the importance of liberty to the British character, he won the admiration of the Roman Empire. Caratacus would motivate his men by telling them there was no point in living if all they had to look forward to was a miserable existence spent in hiding. This sounds familiar.

Unfortunately, he stood little chance against the Roman's superior battle tactics. As soon as the physical battle started it was pretty much over. Caratacus's remaining men ran for the hills and he ran to northern England to find protection under Queen Cartimandua's tribe. Well she said, "I don't think so you little rebel," and Caratacus was imprisoned and sent to Rome to deal with Emperor Claudius.

While in Rome, during a procession past the emperor (most likely dead-man walking), he stepped out of line to address the Emperor directly. He told him that only fate had given victory to the emperor and not to him. If he had surrendered without a blow neither he nor his capture would have become famous. He said, "If you kill me they will be forgotten, but show mercy and I shall be an eternal reminder to your clemency." The emperor was moved, and set him free. Way to puss out, CARATACUS. No more martyr status for you. Maybe that's why this isn't a movie. You could have had eternal glory in British history but instead you cried your way out of it, CARATACUS. That's why Gerard Butler played Leonidas and not you, CARATACUS.

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