Thursday, October 3, 2013

Scariest Movies Ever

You won't find Jason, Michael Myers or Freddy Krueger here. "B-b-b-but Chelsea, they're original villains and paved the way for modern horror films, respect them." NO. This is a personal list of the scariest movies I have ever seen. Two are technically children's movies. But, to each his own. You say tomato, I say...well I say tomato that way too.

10. The Omen (1976) This movie is about a well-to-do couple that adopts a child and whoopsie, they kind of adopt the one anti-christ baby. The little kid from hell causes hell. Little Damien is also my soul brother, because we are both June 6th babies. So, you know, don't mess with me and stuff.
Scariest moment: When Damien's nanny sees a mysterious black dog and they have a staring contest. Next thing you know she's on a roof shouting, "Damien, it's all for youuuu!" and hangs herself.
Obligatory history fact: In the New Testament, the Book of Revelations say 666 is the number of a man associated with the beast.

9. The Secret of NIMH (1982) So what if it's a cartoon. And is not even in the horror genre. And is a children's movie. If there was ever a movie that could make you feel utterly hopeless, this was it. It's about a widowed mouse, Mrs. Brisby, traveling to a hidden world of genetically mutated rats who were tested at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) to get their assistance in relocating her home and children before a tractor mows them all to hell in the happy little field they live in. Say whaaaaat? The movie showed animal testing before it was like, considered uncool.
Scariest moment: When Mrs. Brisby tries to save her home and all of her kids that are trapped in the home as they are sinking in the mud. How was I supposed to carry on as a normal kid again after all this imagery? PLEASE. TELL ME HOW.
Obligatory history fact: Rat fleas are responsible for the Black Death, killing an estimated 75-200 million people in Europe in the mid 14th century.

8. The Shining (1980) Abandoned hotel, cabin fever, Danny's weird little finger friend, the naked decaying woman and being trapped in a maze are all a part of the bizarre concoction that is The Shining. And Shelley Duvall's ugly faces she makes out of pure fear are so believable.

Scariest moment: Duh, the twins
Obligatory history fact: The Overlook hotel in the movie is the Timberline Lodge located in Mount Hood, Oregon. It was dedicated in 1937 by Franklin D. Roosevelt and is now a National Historic Landmark.

7. The Exorcist (1973) Equal parts laughable and disturbing.
Scariest moment: When Regan crawls down the stairs backwards. Seriously, fuck that.
Obligatory history fact: Both Mother Teresa and Salvador Dali allegedly had exorcisms performed on them.

6. Insidious (2011) A child goes comatose and becomes a vessel for ghosts as he astral projects. His parents have no clue what the hell is happening and are getting terrorized as this kid sleeps the days away.
Scariest moment: Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" song playing throughout the movie. Nothing creeps people out like a cheerful song playing during a horror movie. The juxtaposition is pure mind fuckery.
Obligatory history fact: Some have claimed that the Bible mentions astral projection through passages in both the final chapter of the Biblical Book of Ecclesiastes and Paul's Second Epistle to the Corinthians.

5. The Blair Witch Project (1999) A group of buddies seek out the elusive Blair Witch in the hills of Maryland.
Scariest moment: When they are in the tent and they can hear the witch whispering outside. I die every time. Seriously, I really die.
Obligatory history fact: Sarah Good was one of the accused in the Salem Witch Trials. Upon execution, she yelled out to the Reverend, "I'm no more a witch than you are a wizard, take my life and God will give you blood to drink!" Twenty five years later, that Reverend died of a hemorrhage while choking on his own blood. I...I think she might have been a witch.

4. The Strangers (2008) A couple is terrorized my masked attackers in their cabin in the woods. Cliche, but no lie, I had to turn this movie off when I was watching it, look up the spoilers, then resume play. I couldn't hang. 
Scariest moment: When the expressionless masked man is lurking behind Liv Tyler.
Obligatory history fact: The oldest found masks are 9,000 years old and are on exhibit in Paris and Jerusalem.

3. The Descent (2005) Did you know the hobby of exploring caves is called spelunking? What's up with that? A group of friends go spelunking and the cave entrance caves in, leaving them seeking an escape. The cave is filled with human eating creatures.
Scariest moment: This split second:

Obligatory history fact: The earliest cave art is located in the Cave of El Castillo in Spain. It dates back to 40,000 years ago

2. The Dark Crystal (1982) What Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is to The Beatles is what The Dark Crystal is to Jim Henson. A product of hard drugs.
Scariest moment: EVERYTHING. EVERY MUPPET. And when the Skeksis tries to pull the life out of a Gelfing. Torture. Confinement. Murder of childhood. 
Obligatory history fact: The word "crystal" comes from the Greek word Crystallos, from "Krysos" meaning "ice cold." It was originally thought that crystals were a type of ice that was so cold it would never melt.

1. The Ring (2002) Hands down. I hate it. 
Scariest moment: 

Obligatory history fact: The oldest known well, located in Cyprus, is dated to 7500 B.C.

1 comment: